Satisfaction

All my life I've struggled with something, and until the last year, I couldn't even understand it or put it into words. I've found the one word which describes it best is satisfaction. Some people would say I'm a people pleaser, so if you've had that said about you...listen up ;) Always I've desired to be liked by others. When I meet new people, I almost always walk away questioning their opinion of me or of something I said. A year ago, I realized that it doesn't matter if people don't like me. I don't mean that I can be a jerk and I don't care if I offend or make people upset. I do mean that if I am being me, seeking after the Lord, and have done all I can to honor and be peaceable with others, their response or opinion is not my responsibility. I had a conflict with a close friend once where I was in the wrong. I apologized and admited my fault, but the friend was still mad at me...for a while. It killed me! I wanted to make her happy with me and like me. Then I realized that I'd done all I could. I realized I was right before God even if my friend was still upset. This realization was extremely liberating at the time. Now, even though I've pin-pointed this psychological process, I haven't overcome it. I still struggle with it daily, but it helps so much that I've identified it and can see it when it starts to creep its ugly head up. The more I think about it, the more I realize I've always searched for satisfaction from others. I can't tell you the times I've analyzed over and over what I said to someone wondering what they thought about it. I'm learning that I can be completely satisfied in Christ even if the whole world hates what I do or how I do it. (I'm not trying to rant about some person or situation...I'm not in a fight or anything with anyone, and I don't feel like the whole world hates me). Psalm 17:15 says "As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness." When I wake up, before I've received approval from anyone, I can be satisfied because God likes me. Even though I mess up all the time, He always likes me. The longer I'm a parent, I understand God's fatherly love more. My kids could disobey, hate me, or whatever, but I'd never love them less. I don't understand how He, a perfect Father, does it, but He does. He loves us no matter what. This year, I'm going to try to find my satisfaction in that. My name, Amy, means 'beloved', and I've always thought of it before that it means I'm easily liked by others, but this isn't true. I am beloved by Him, and that my friends is the ultimate satisfaction.