in my weakness

“God is not lucky to have us”, my husband gently reminded me this week. Have you ever felt equipped to do something, or maybe just more equipped than someone else. There is a great danger in this thinking. Yes, God has gifted each with special abilities uniquely so the body can function properly and healthy; however, the moment you start thinking you are something because of this gift, look out. Paul reminds us, "for if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself." (Galatians 6:3) God told Paul, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. We are weak. Ashamedly, we often think we are strong. Strong enough to handle trials without praying. Strong enough to raise our kids or counsel people without soaking our minds in Scripture. Sometimes we think we should be somewhere else because we would be stronger or better used in a different job, church, country. I have thought that. I have thought, “God, doesn’t it make sense to have me in a county where I can speak to anyone and everyone without fail?” “God, can’t I be of more use to you if I live in a place where I fit in to the culture and understand the people?” His response to me has been the same as it was to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. For when I am weak then I am strong.” (II Corinthians 12:9-10) Yeah, it makes sense to me to be in a place where I can shine in all my ability. BUT, then I wouldn’t have to depend on Jesus. It’s overwhelming to think He wants the weak. Lucky for me, I’m weak. When things seem illogical or don’t make sense to us, that is probably the hand of God. He confounds the wise with foolish things. He glories in our weakness and infirmities because then HE can shine in all His ability. When we feel helpless or hopeless that is a perfect place to be. Then He can be strong and work amidst our weakness.

heavy grace

"I am afraid, for no one's ever sacrificed and loved me this way. So on my face I fall under your heavy grace. Here I lay in awe and wonder." -I Wonder by Leeland-
Have you ever been overwhelmed by God's grace? So overwhelmed that it felt heavy, like this song describes? Jesus tells me to take His yoke because it is easy and his burden is light, but sometimes just His grace feels heavy. I've been sharing John 3:17 with Spaniards as I have the opportunity to share His words. It explains how God sent Jesus into the world to save, not to condemn. The grace of God. God wants to save the world. The world, full of sinners whom God abhors, full of sin on which He cannot even look upon. Full of the most wicked imaginations and evil disgusting acts. This is the world that He looked down to and thought it was worth forsaking His only child. Unbelievable. What love, what grace He is capable of! The song above says no one has ever sacrficied and loved me this way. Can you think of anyone else in your life who has sacrificed in this magnitude? He loves us in a way that is bigger and more grand than anyone on earth is capable of. God thought about me, about you, and decided we were worth it. He calls us to sacrifice. To sacrifice our lives and present them to him. There are days I do not sacrifice for Him. There are days I keep my life for myself. This is insane and irrational. The reasonable thing is to give all I have, can, all of me to Him. Is He worth it? Is He worth it to you? Is He worth getting up early and spending time with Him in prayer, listening, pouring out your soul to Him. Is He worth studying and meditating on His Words. Is He worth singing about, lifting your hands, opening your mouth to praise or to tell this world about the greatest love you have ever experienced? I have experienced His love, and I believe with all my heart it is worth sharing. Don't hoard this love for yourself. Give it freely. Give it on purpose. Live like He is worth it, every day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_45BT0cLuE&feature=related

change of heart

In the weeks and months before we came to Spain, I remember writing in our eNewsletter updates about how we had this deep longing to be in Spain. Specifically, I remember writing that our "hearts are in Spain". I had no idea the truth of that statement. A few months ago, amidst culture crisis, team growth, family challenges, and everything, I admit, I had a desire to go back to the States. Life was easier there, comfortable. But now, it makes me honestly a bit deflated. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited to see my family and friends, and to encourage others with what God has been doing in our lives, but when I think about leaving Spain, it breaks my heart. Here is the hard reality. We are lacking in financial support, and unless we raise 100% of our support in the two months we will be in the States, we will not be allowed to return to Spain. Avant has requirements, and we are going to try with all our might to meet those requirements. We want so badly to be here. There is such a need for the gospel here. I've never met so many people in such a short time who do not know or do not believe the gospel. There is literally a pit in my stomach when I think about not being able to return to Spain. I know that God will give peace with whatever happens, but I desire to stay here. So, I say all this to show how God truly has brought our hearts to Spain. We are planning to be home the first week of June until the first week of August. During this time we have to almost double our support. We also need to find renters or buyers for our house in Springfield. It would be really difficult to be paying for a house in the States and an apartment in Spain. So, there are the facts, and I ask you to please pray about this situation. We want to be here. We want to be back here in August. Pray for God to provide and for Him to give peace in whatever the outcome is. I'm so thankful that God has called us here for this season, and that He has really given us hearts for the people of Spain.

i love you vegetables!!

One of the many benefits of living in Spain is the costliness of fresh fruits and veggies. This bundle of mushrooms, asparagus, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, broccoli, zucchini, and leeks was crazy cheap from our favorite 'fruteria' below our apartment. Luckily, our entire family has a deep love for veggies, even our four-year-old daughter, believe it or not. Since January first we have been trying and succeeding in changing our diet. Justin and I have each lost almost 20 pounds! It's really not fair because he has lost his weight by only changing his eating habits, whereas I have taken up running. I am very proud of him and myself, and I really hope we keep at it. We also bought a bike to save money, time, and for exercise. Last week was our first 24/7 prayer week with our team, and I almost had to laugh as I thought of how different our life has become. Several mornings I found myself riding our bike down one of the main streets in Valladolid, at 5:30 am! I walk or ride the bike every day to class too. It's funny, I haven't been in a car for over nine months!!! I love the energy I have from eating better and exercising. Also, since both my parents had heart surgery in the last two years, I am thinking more and more about my future and my body. Exercising and saying no to certain foods can be hard, but it's so worth it. It is worth it for God, for my spouse, for my kids, and for myself. My sister has recently started a blog, and she has written a bit about this too. Check out the link if you are interested: http://www.15of31.com/2012/03/what-are-you-made-of.html?spref=fb

feeling far away

Wow. This week I am experiencing a new kind of element to living overseas. I got an email early this week from my sister telling me to call her no matter what the time. Immediately, I wondered if something was wrong. As soon as I got it, I called. I found out that my mom had gone to urgent care for a sinus infection, told the doctor about some pain in her side, and ended up at the hospital with the diagnosis of a possible heart-attack. After an ultrasound and an angiogram, the results were not the best. She has several blockages, and they are going to do bypass surgery on Friday. Because of some previous conditions, their is extra concern and precautions being taken for of the surgery. She seems to be doing well, but is obviously scared. Her words were, "anyone who says they aren't scared would be lying."
Right now, I am definitely feeling far away. I wish I could be there to encourage her, make her laugh, and just hug her before she goes through those doors for this surgery. Even though it is considered routine, it is extensive. I feel helpless and just plan far away. Since I'd lived in the same state as most of my family my whole life, this is brand new territory. I can feel my heart getting heavier for my mom as her surgery approaches. I trust that she will be ok, and I know God is there with her always even if I cannot be, but it still sucks. I really just wish I could be there for her. She has always been and still is SO amazing. Anytime my siblings or I have ever needed help, she is the first to offer. I know if I were in the hospital, she would be right there with me, and I wish right now, I could give that to her.
Please pray for God to steady her heart, physically and spiritually! Pray for her to have full confidence that she is in the hand of the One who also holds the universe. Pray for strength for my brother, sister, and grandma who live in Springfield and are spending time at the hospital and helping out. Pray for me and my other sister, who lives in The Philipines, as we both wish so badly we could be there with them. Pray for the doctors and nurses to have wisdom and precision.
This is really a difficult time all around for my family. As I continue in Spain with my own family, language, and work, my mind is on my mom. I'm asking God to help me have the strength I need personally to do what I need to do here. Thank you SO much for taking time to read this, and please, even if it's before you leave this page, pray!

sometimes we need reminded

For those days when I wondered if God could really use us here in Valladolid or if maybe He made a mistake in bringing us here...usually days of walking in my flesh...there are amazing landmarks which ground me. In the old testament, God often had the Israelites set up piles of stones or other things to make landmarks when something significant happened, really when God did something amazing. In a Christian's life, there should also be these landmarks. Think of your own life. I bet if you think about it even for a couple seconds a few key moments or situations pop in your head of when God did something amazing in your life. It may have been a tragic or magnificent event. I have several to call my own, and a lot of them are placed steadily along the road that brought us to Spain. The first day I heard God telling us to pursue missions full-time was during a church service in my home church. Although I, and Justin, had always been open to missions, that day, I felt the Holy Spirit pressing me, saying, you can and will do this. Honestly, it excited me and freaked me out. I decided not to tell Justin. Instead I asked God to press the same thing on Justin if this is really what He wanted us to do. About two weeks later, as Justin & I sat in our living room, he told me he thought we should do missions. Of course, I freaked out, questioned him profusely, and then told him that I had felt the same thing and asked God to make it clear to us both if it were truly His desire. So, immediately we started praying and asking God to show us when, where, and with whom we should go. A few months later, the doors started to open for us to go to Spain through Avant. I can remember times during team skype calls just crying and begging God to get us to Spain to tell the people there about Jesus. I also remember the overwhelming joy when we got the 'go ahead' from Avant to purchase our plane tickets. We had waited and prayed diligently to hear this. We were thrilled to think in just a month from their approval, we would be on Spanish soil. These are the moments that God brings to my memory when I feel like we can't be here. When I feel like no one is going to listen to some American, stumbling her way through Spanish, sounding like a baby, telling them they need Jesus, God reminds me that He brought us here. He is fully capable of using our meager efforts to give forth the Words of Life to bring salvation, fruit, and ultimately a growing body of Spanish believers. Next time you start questioning God, wondering where He is or if you are where He wants you, look over your shoulder at all the landmarks. Landmarks of provision, confirmation, and growth. If you were unsure before, take comfort that God has worked amazingly in your life and is leading you right down the path He desires for you.

Dad, here she is!

I've recently started doing my devotions with an online tool. If you want to check it out, the site is www.examen.me . I really like it because it gives me some structure with my reading, and it prompts me to do more than just read my passage, close my Bible, and then set it back in its place...usually at this time, I've already forgotten what I read. It provides a space to pray before reading, a place to read, write, summarize, or listen to the passage, a place to reflect on how God is reavealing Himself to me, then write a prayer to God based on what I read, and finally to write how I can adjust my attitudes, actions, or choices based on the passage. It probably isn't for everyone, but I've really enjoyed it as I've felt God's word become more real and go deeper into my heart. Today I read Colossians 1, and I really want to share with you something God showed me. Now I'm no Bible wiz, and if you read a commentary on this passage, I could be way off, but I think there is something here for me. Colossians 1:21-22 says this, "And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him." (ESV). The KJV uses the word unreproveable, which means "that cannont be called into account, unaccused" (Strong's), instead of 'above reproach'. Anyway, because of this new reading tool I'm using, I'm forced to meditate on what I read. For some reason these verses caught my eye. If I'm not mistaken, it is saying that Christ, through His death, has made us able to be presented to God the Father. It literally makes me think of a boy bringing home his future bride to present her to his dad. I can picture a young man walking through the door, holding it open for his love, a smile beaming from ear to ear and saying, "Dad, here she is. Isn't she amazing?!" That is what Christ has done for us! Not only does He want His Father to know us and meet us, but through His death we can stand before this perfect, possibly intimidating Father, and be completely blameless, holy, and any of our wrongs not even able to be called into acount. Because of Jesus we cannot be accused. Just for a second, think of the worst sin you have ever committed. Maybe it is something that you were so ashamed of and took quite some time to confess, repent, accept forgiveness and be freed from. Now, think about telling it to your dad. Picture yourself standing there in front of him, with your mouth open, just trying to find the words to tell this hideous deed. Right as you begin to speak, someone walks up and says, "you don't have to say anything, there's nothing to confess." Now, you might be thinking, Amy, of course we have to confess. Yes we do, but when we have accepted Christ and are in Him, we hold the position of the innocent. Paul didn't stutter when he said holy, blameless, and unreproveable. Jesus loves God so much that He was willing to die that hideous death and become my hideous sin and yours so He could present a bride to the Father that cannot be accused. If I were standing there in front of God with Jesus smiling as He presents me to His Father, I'm thinking I would start arguing like, "no, really, I've done some horrible things, I'm so not holy." Yet, somehow we can stand there without being ashamed. We can stand there in complete humility as Jesus glories in the fact that He reconciled this beautiful bride to the Father. Without Jesus' death and atonement, we would not be able to be presented to the Father at all. I don't know why this spoke to me so much today, but it did. I'm completely in awe that Jesus did this. I know He loves us, but I think He did it because He loves His Father. His ministry of reconciliation is ultimately to glorify His Father.

Plug

Some of you know my husband decided to read the Bible in a month. I am very proud of him for taking on this challenge. It's 40 chapters a day and usually takes him about an hour and forty-five minutes to read and then about another thirty minutes to reflect, summarize, and blog about it. He has received a ton of positive feedback and even had others choose to take on the Bible in a month challenge with him. Below is the link to his blog. If you become a 'follower' of his blog, you have a chance to win a free book! If you read his blog, please send him a note of encouragement. He's only half way through, and I know he would appreciate some 'cheers' as he presses on.

http://bibleinamonth.blogspot.com/

another year of firsts...already

As you know, last year was a year of firsts. Probably the most firsts we've had as a family in our life. First time moving to another country. First time putting our daughter in school. First time employed by the same company as my husband. First time having a baby in another country. First birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Year away from home. Lots of firsts in 2011. This year has already proven to be a year of firsts for me. A few of you may know that I have started exercising. On New Year's Day I was asking my team mate Brian, who used to be a personal trainer, for some work-out tips. Somehow the conversation ended with our team deciding to take on a 'biggest loser' challenge to see who could lose the most weight in three months. That night, we went home and cooked all the junk-food that was in our house...and ate it :) The days of truffles, pastries, multiple cups of cafe' con leche, bread with most meals, cheese, chorizo, and other spanish sausages are gone. We've been eating tons of veggies, fruits, fish, shrimp, and chicken. Along with the veggies, I've started running. For some of you, this may seem like no big deal, but for those of you who know me,well...you know me. I've never exercised regularly in my life. In fact, the last pair of tennis shoes I owned I found in the locker room in 7th grade! That was like 14 years ago! I'm proud to say, another first, I'm now the owner of some sweet pink Adidas running shoes. (see photo above) Now, don't get all excited because I only go two miles, and I alternate between walking and running. I have to confess though, the last couple times, I've actually enjoyed running! I know, I can't believe those words ever went through my mind let alone came out of my mouth. Each time it gets easier. Each time I can run farther, and each time I feel great for doing it. It's funny how amazing I feel after I run, but before I do it, nothing in me has a desire to get those pink shoes on and go outside in the 30 degree weather to...run. Today while I was running, I couldn't help but think how exercise is like prayer. Every time after I pray, I'm so glad I did. The times in my life when my prayer life has been most consistent have been the spiritual heights and the times I've been closest to God. Now, the thing with prayer is that it is hard work. You don't get credit for it. You don't get any sort of reward or praise, in fact, it takes up time, energy, and can strain you emotionally. Something in me seems to fight when I set out to pray; however, when I do, I experience some of the most amazing rewarding moments. It makes my spirit feel so refreshed. Like exercise, the more you pray, the easier it gets, and the more benefits you experience. The benefit of seeing God work in the lives around you. The benefit of knowing God on a more intimate level. The benefit of a growing faith as He proves Himself again and again. The benefit of an amazing hope as He becomes more real every day, and the benefit of dying to your own desires and giving in to what He has for you. Before I run, I have to die to myself who wants to sit inside in the warm house with a cup of tea or hot chocolate, but when I push through and run, all the effort is worth it.

as i draw near

There is something amazing about knowing God is at work in my life. Seven months ago, we came to Spain with no doubt or question as to if this was what we were supposed to do. We arrived encouraged and ready to take on the hardships we knew would be part of this journey. Somewhere along the road, I lost the pounding heartbeat that once pushed me to get rid of practically all my belongings, leave behind my family, church, and friends, and go to a completely unknown territory. Things gradually got more difficult with the language, lack of friends, and lack of corporal worship/church. In September, we enrolled our, at the time, three-year-old into a full-time, completely foreign school. In October, we brought our son into the world. My doctor spoke a decent amount of English, but as I sat in the operating room and they prepped me for my c-section, I was surrounded by only Spanish speakers. I guess that made it only natural for my first word to my son to be "hola". Justin was not allowed at all in the room either, so I did feel quite alone. I wish I could communicate the helpless feeling that I've so often felt because of my inability to communicate to Spaniards. Wether it's wanting to tell Evy's teacher that we are trying to help her adjust to a new country, school, brother, home, etc. or tell the lady at the fruit store to stop undermining our parental authority by giving Evy whatever she wants, there are times that words would be so useful. I've recently let all the hardships capture me and hold me in a place of frustration. I've allowed myself to dream about what life would be like if we went back to the States, and I've definitely been slacking in my time with God. This week, FINALLY, my attitude has started to change. I watched a sermon by Francis Chan recently, and it was like God gently grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward Himself. Francis talked about steadfastness. He said there are times when he is frustrated with hardships when really, God is trying to grow him, which is a time that can be accompanied with joy. I then realized that I had not been thankful for the hardships. I've just been frustrated with them and wishing my life we easier. Even though I've never said those words, that's how I've felt. However, since the first of January I have spent time in God's word and communing with Him every day. I can literally feel His Spirit growing in me and raising up when my flesh starts blabbing about being frustrated with these hardships. I know God is growing me and that He is reminding me of His perspective. He told us to come here because we have life-saving Words for the beautiful people here in Spain. I want to continue telling them about Jesus, and I'm praying for fruit. Please pray for me to keep my attitude aligned with His perspective. I know I could easily fall back into the defeated "sustaining-mode" mindset that I've had. As for now, I'm so grateful that God has gotten me through these seven months of my life and that He stretched me and brought me closer to Him through it.

Satisfaction

All my life I've struggled with something, and until the last year, I couldn't even understand it or put it into words. I've found the one word which describes it best is satisfaction. Some people would say I'm a people pleaser, so if you've had that said about you...listen up ;) Always I've desired to be liked by others. When I meet new people, I almost always walk away questioning their opinion of me or of something I said. A year ago, I realized that it doesn't matter if people don't like me. I don't mean that I can be a jerk and I don't care if I offend or make people upset. I do mean that if I am being me, seeking after the Lord, and have done all I can to honor and be peaceable with others, their response or opinion is not my responsibility. I had a conflict with a close friend once where I was in the wrong. I apologized and admited my fault, but the friend was still mad at me...for a while. It killed me! I wanted to make her happy with me and like me. Then I realized that I'd done all I could. I realized I was right before God even if my friend was still upset. This realization was extremely liberating at the time. Now, even though I've pin-pointed this psychological process, I haven't overcome it. I still struggle with it daily, but it helps so much that I've identified it and can see it when it starts to creep its ugly head up. The more I think about it, the more I realize I've always searched for satisfaction from others. I can't tell you the times I've analyzed over and over what I said to someone wondering what they thought about it. I'm learning that I can be completely satisfied in Christ even if the whole world hates what I do or how I do it. (I'm not trying to rant about some person or situation...I'm not in a fight or anything with anyone, and I don't feel like the whole world hates me). Psalm 17:15 says "As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness." When I wake up, before I've received approval from anyone, I can be satisfied because God likes me. Even though I mess up all the time, He always likes me. The longer I'm a parent, I understand God's fatherly love more. My kids could disobey, hate me, or whatever, but I'd never love them less. I don't understand how He, a perfect Father, does it, but He does. He loves us no matter what. This year, I'm going to try to find my satisfaction in that. My name, Amy, means 'beloved', and I've always thought of it before that it means I'm easily liked by others, but this isn't true. I am beloved by Him, and that my friends is the ultimate satisfaction.